I received a public article comment from a single Christian woman, detailing her anger with God because she remains unmarried.
I thought my response to her might help other Christian single women who are dealing with similar feelings.
First, her original comment:
Hi Kim, you're doing a wonderful job with this website and helping others in their struggles overcoming binge eating. I'm 30 years old and a backslider by way of having been angry with God for having never provided me with a husband.
Therefore fornication has been a recurrent theme throughout my life because I hate being alone, feeling unattractive and unwanted.
When I date I get praised for being beautiful, I get a lot of attention and I feel wanted. Most importantly, I don't feel alone.
I'm angry with God because most of my young adult life I have been extremely obedient to Him. I've walked carefully in obedience to Him, in depth study and all day to night meditation upon His word.
Basically I have walked the walked for a long time but then I'll have these periods of testing where God is not communicating clearly to me like He usually does (my relationship with God had been very intimate, powerful, and CLOSER then the skin I'm clothed in).
Most people would not even believe the ways and the swiftness of how my communication with the Lord had been bc my experiences are nothing short of SPIRITUAL.
Any way, when God gets silent I'm aware that it is only a test of my faith but the problem is this: I haven't been able to accept He's silence!
Why would He take away from the only real relationship (aside from the relationship I have with my parents and cousins) I have when I'm already struggling with loneliness being void of a mate.
I have gotten so angry with Him; I have stopped and asked the Holy Spirit to search my heart to make sure there were not unrepentant sins within my life that I hadn't own up to but had found nothing; I was humble and sincere before the Lord but He was being quiet.
When this happens after long periods of beautiful communion with God I am angry bc I feel as though I've done everything He has required of me but somehow I'm not fit to be MARRIED.
Now what am I supposed to do when God you are being silent, have not given me a mate and the world, the flesh and the devil continue after my soul?
I am beautiful, no kids and accomplished. I have millionaires wanting to take me out to dinner who are not walking with the Lord. I haven't had television for over seven years on purpose to help not feed the desires of my own flesh for material things, etc.
I have been so careful for years on end to never make provision for my sin by giving up tv, only listening to Christian radio, reading the bible daily in depth, prayer, church, guarding who I associate myself with; I mean everything!!!!!
But I'm ALONE without a mate and my God gives me these mysterious periods of silence so currently I am dating three very wealthy men all at the same time to avoid being alone and bc I'm angry with God.
As a result of my sin I often feel like God is going to cast me into Hell therefore I feel like since I've already lost my soul I could careless about anything else so I've been living a life of leisure, spending money, and YES BINGE EATING bc I hate myself for having fallen once again into temptation.
I know the bible says to never think that you stand lest you fall and I have always remembered that but yet I end up FALLING and Falling so hard!
Sometimes I honestly wished that I were never created bc at least I wouldn't go to Hell. I have tried over and over again but I fall!
Here was my response to her:
Hi Erica,
I appreciate your honesty about what you are feeling. Your raw emotions are coming through loud and clear. But, do me a favor.
Take a step back, close your eyes, and remember why and when you accepted Jesus as your Savior. He is the author and finisher of your faith.
No mention of Him was made in your letter to me. I think that is the reason you are feeling lost, angry, unloved, and confused without validation of your worth from a man.
It sounds like you have done all of the “good girl” things: According to your own report, you said that you have been obedient to God in study and meditation on God’s word.
You said that you have an intimate, powerful relationship with God.
However, I am hearing many things in your letter that contradict the word.
God is not the author of confusion, so your confusion is coming from the enemy. So let’s start by clearing up a few things:
You said:
…having been angry with God for having never provided me with a husband. Therefore fornication has been a recurrent theme throughout my life because I hate being alone, feeling unattractive and unwanted.”
While I don’t doubt that you are angry with God because you don’t have a husband, you have accepted the lies of the enemy as truth without question – which is feeding your anger and causing a rift in your relationship with God.
Here is the truth:
You may be lonely at times, but you are never alone:
And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed ().”
- Deuteronomy 31:8
You are not unattractive:
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well”
- Psalm 139:14
You are not unwanted:
When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord God.”
- Ezekiel 16:8
Erica, in all of your years of studying God’s word, have you not concluded that it is a book of love that details God’s love for mankind – for you?
He already gave you His best. He gave you His Son to save you from sin:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16).”
Without that, you will believe that God is withholding something good from you that you desperately need. The latter situation is the same one that tempted Eve in the garden of Eden.
Remember, Satan got her because he made her focus on the one tree the Lord told Adam not to eat from rather than focus on enjoying the dozens, perhaps hundreds of trees to which God gave her free access.
You said:
I am angry (because) I feel as though I’ve done everything He has required of me but somehow I’m not fit to be MARRIED. Now what am I supposed to do when God you are being silent, have not given me a mate and the world, the flesh and the devil continue after my soul? I am beautiful, no kids and accomplished. I have millionaires wanting to take me out to dinner who are not walking with the Lord.”
Erica, ask yourself: “Do I believe I am saved because of my ‘good works’? Or do I believe that I am saved because I believed in my heart and confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord?’
Will I only walk with the Lord as long as He’s doing what I THINK He ought to do?
Will I abandon my faith when I don’t get my own way?”
These are very serious questions. What you have written says to me that when God doesn’t do what you think He ought to do, then you stamp your feet, throw a tantrum, and use that as an excuse to backslide.
A Godly Wife's Character
You said,
I feel as though I’ve done everything He has required of me but somehow I’m not fit to be MARRIED.”
Okay, it is clear that you want a husband and you want to be married. But have you focused on creating the character of a Godly wife?
Because there will be TWO people in your marriage.
The Bible says:
He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.”
- Proverbs 18:22
Will you be that good thing your husband finds and a conduit of favor from the Lord?
You said that you are dating rich men who don’t even know the Lord. How can a man love you the way God wants him to love you if He doesn’t even know Christ?
God calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church (see Ephesians 5:25). He calls them to love them with a sacrificial love.
Would any of these men you are dating be willing to give up their lives to save your life – or are they just out for a good time?
Erica, if you are not happy without a husband, you won’t be happy with one!
Why? Because you are looking for a mere mortal man to fill places in your heart that only God can fill.
The anger you are feeling toward God right now? You are going to unleash it on your husband!
You will be putting expectations on that man that he can’t possibly live up to. And you will destroy any marriage you get.
If you can't be satisfied with a PERFECT God, then you will never be satisfied with an imperfect man.
A Godly Wife's Commitment
Think about another thing: Suppose the man you marry has the following issues:
- Suppose he’s wealthy when you marry him, but his business takes a downturn and he loses all his money. Will you still love him?
- Suppose he suffers an accident and is no longer able to make love to you. Will you leave him or have an affair on him?
- Suppose he has a crisis of faith. Will you be able to be that rock of encouragement and strength to exhort him to keep walking with the Lord and hold on?
Being a Godly wife is not for wimps!
Your message was all “I, I, I.” But marriage is about committing one another, whatever the challenges and trials, and meeting the other person’s needs so you can be stronger together.
The primary reason God will give you a husband is because the two of you will be able to accomplish things for His kingdom that you could not have done by yourselves.
Preparing for a Godly Marriage
God will never send you a man who you will make God in your life. In your mind, you have elevated this desire to have a husband almost to that level.
Hear this, Erica. God sent me my husband when I was 45 years old. He was WELL worth waiting for.
I love my husband more than anyone else in the world, but I still love God more than I love my husband.
And my husband loves God more than he loves me. That’s the way it ought to be!
We have a great marriage because I am secure, knowing that my husband fears (reverences) God so much that he wants to do those things that please God more than he wants his own way. So he treats me well.
If I were in your shoes, here is what I would do:
- Go back to your first love. For now, your Maker is your husband (Isaiah 54:5).
- Get a revelation about how much God loves you, just as you are.
- Start preparing yourself to become a Godly wife for a Godly man with these books:
- Preparing for Godly Marriage by Kimberly and Mike Taylor
- Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian
- Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs
- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
One thing I did as a single woman was to stop praying to God to give me a husband.
I diverted my energy to praying FOR my husband, whoever and wherever he was.
I figured that even though I didn’t know him yet, I could do good for him by keeping him covered in prayer every day.
As a married woman, it’s still a habit I have, so if you want a blessed marriage, you better get started now!
I am praying for you Erica. You need to have God heal your heart and get your relationship right with him in this season.
Trust that he will withhold no good thing from you, but He is God. He created the Universe – the mountains, the stars, the oceans, and you – remember?
He has the right to choose when and where to give His gifts to you.
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Note: For those who are believing God for any blessing, start preparing yourself to receive it according to this story from the movie, "Facing the Giants":